davidphilliposter

When I was in college, I carried in my wallet a Miskatonic University fake ID that list my major as Computational Theology. I ran across this today:

THEOLOGICAL ENGINEERING EXAM 1

5 Questions, 60 Minutes.

You may use a calculator, the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, and the

Book of Mormon. The speed of light is c. Show all work. For all

problems, assume a perfectly spherical Jesus of constant density D.

No praying during the exam.

1. (20 pts.) Bob and Joe are standing on a street corner. God loves

each an equal amount L_0. Bob then accelerates to .9c. In Joe's

rest frame, how much does God now love Bob?

2. Sven, a Catholic, is in a state of grace. He then has sex with

sheep S. a. (8 pts.) What is Sven's atonement coefficient following

the act if the sheep was not willing? b. (12 pts.) What if the

sheep, while not technically being willing, could not be said to

mind either?

3. (20 pts.) Let the eternal, all abiding love of the Holy Spirit

be the xy plane. Let Sue's soul be at (0,0,5) at t = 0 sec.,

traveling at 5 m/s in the direction of the positive z axis.

Everything is in Cartesian coordinates bespeaking subscription to a

perfectly rational Enlightenment attitude towards the Universe. At

what time t will Sue be saved? (Hint: Assume a point soul.)

4. (20 pts.) Assume the Rapture occurs at time t. Cornelia, a saved

human weighing 90 kg, in a state of grace, has her head in the

closing jaws of an alligator at time t. What mass of meat will

remain to the alligator at time t + 10 sec.?

5. Stan is a frictionless, massless Mormon in a rest state. His sin

level for his faith is currently 11 McBeals. He eats .3 kg of pork,

and enjoys it very much. Assume that the Jews are right about,

well, pretty much everything. a. (10 pts.) What is Stan's sin level

now? b. (10 pts.) Stan is one of them Salt Lake City Mormons. He

ain't so damn smug now, is he?

Extra Credit (10 pts): 25 grams of wafers and 20 ml of cheap wine

undergo transubstantiation and become the flesh and blood of our

Lord. How many Joules of heat are released by the transformation?

Hand in exam when done, and may God have mercy on your work.

Computational Theology (Reply)